


Naked James is Always Unexpected

by Charli



Category: Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Humor, Interior Decorating, M/M, OT3, Painting, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-02
Updated: 2011-12-02
Packaged: 2017-10-26 19:13:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/286904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Charli/pseuds/Charli
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“It’s Sunday,” said Jeremy “You don’t expect naked James on a Sunday.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Naked James is Always Unexpected

Jeremy squeezed his car into space outside James’ house. As he perfectly demonstrated how to parallel park in a tight spot to Fusker, who was on the driveway washing his furry genitals (or rather lack thereof), Jeremy was careful not to ding Hammond’s Morgan, which was also parked alongside.

Jeremy wasn’t one who was given to driving into Hammersmith on a Sunday to help a mate decorate his living room, in fact as far as James and Richard knew he wasn’t coming at all.

Jeremy’s exact words, when James had mentioned beer and bacon sandwiches in exchange for Jeremy putting a roller brush across his ceiling, had been “Fuck off May I’ve better things to do on a Sunday than watch you get paint in your hair and Hammond get vertigo from climbing a ladder.”

Of course after a late rise, two pieces of toast and an hour sat staring at his huge expanse of garden that desperately needed mowing, the thought of some therapeutic decorating, a cold beer or three and some drunken male bonding was quite appealing.

James’ little red Panda was on the driveway and the front windows of the 1950’s three-bed semi were open. As Jeremy strolled up the path to the front door, Fusker treated him with his usual indifference. ’Why do cats lick their genitals?’ Jeremy thought, ‘Because they can.’ And he smiled at the old joke as he pushed open the insecure front door.

His nostrils were assailed with the smell of fresh paint and turpentine as he entered the hallway and turned to head into the living room.

Jeremy was never sure which image hit him first.

Whether it was the fact that all of James’ furniture had been piled into the middle of the room and covered with layers of old cotton sheets.

Whether it was the partially decorated back wall that was half magnolia and half oatmeal.

Whether it was the tin of paint, knocked over onto its side, spilling its cream-coloured contents across the plastic sheeting that James had carefully covered the floor with and taped to the skirting.

Or whether it was the fact that James was halfway up a ladder, stark bollock naked.

James turned, brush in hand and little specks of paint dappling his bare flesh and wild mane. “Jezza! Cock!” he explained and let go of the brush and dropped his hands to cover his exposed manhood.

“Christ May!” Jeremy exploded “Your front door was unlocked and everything. Put some bloody clothes on before Hammond sees you.”

At which point Richard entered the room sporting a huge white-toothed smile, a close fitting black t-shirt and unbuttoned jeans from which spouted an erection that made Jeremy turn a shade not unlike that which James had been painting on the wall.

“Ah.” Said Richard.

“What the fuck!” exclaimed Jeremy, who was quite prepared for the fact that his head might explode at any second.

“This isn’t what it looks like mate.” Said James, coming slowly down from the ladder and edging towards Hammond in the doorway.

“Good,” said Jeremy “Because it looks like you are painting in the nude and Hamster is about to test your paint with his dipstick.”

“Yes well,” James mumbled “perhaps it is what it looks like.”

“We can explain…” Richard said cautiously.

He and James were side by side now; Richard deflated and tucked back into his jeans, James still as naked as the day he was born, and both looking as guilty as sin.

“It’s Sunday,” said Jeremy, his voice now softer and slightly weary “you don’t expect naked James on a Sunday.”

“Naked James is always unexpected.” Richard pointed out.

“I should go and put some clothes on.” James said to himself and excused himself from the chaos.

Jeremy turned on Hammond. “You and May? YOU? AND MAY?”

Richard hung his head slightly. “We’re consenting adults, it’s not like we’ve done anything wrong. You’re the one that turned up unannounced.”

“You left the fucking front door unlocked. No wonder May’s cat is so weird if this is the kind of thing he’s been subjected to.”

Richard said nothing and they could hear James opening and closing the wardrobe doors in his bedroom.

“I need a beer.” Jeremy said and pushed his way past Hammond, refusing to meet his eyes, and went into the kitchen.

A short time later the three men, all fully clothed and holding cold bottles of beer, were standing around in James’ kitchen not saying very much at all.

It was Jeremy who finally broke the silence “You know what really hurts?” he asked.

“What mate?” asked Richard softly.

“You didn’t tell me.”

“We didn’t tell anyone.” said James.

Jeremy shook his head “That’s not what I meant. You didn’t invite me.”

“I did.” Said James, confused, “I specifically asked if you would come and paint my ceiling.”

“Yes,” said Jeremy slowly “But you didn’t invite me to what you were really doing which means,” and he put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a small jar of Vaseline “I’ve been carrying this around for nothing.”

Richard grinned, “I wouldn’t say nothing mate. The ceiling still needs painting, and you wouldn’t want to get paint on your clothes, now would you?”

“Can I be the dipstick this time?” asked James.

“You’re the dipstick every fucking time.” Said Jeremy, eagerly pulling his jumper over his head.


End file.
